Happy days die...but some survive

I'm sorry that I didn't write the last week, but there was no time. I was very busy. I visited many new places, collect many interesting experiences and just had a good time. At first, I visited Ottawa. It's the capital of Canada. A beautiful town. It was a sunny day and I walked along the sidewalk and just enjoyed the clean air and the view. Great. After a short break on Wednesday, we took a look on Quebec City. I saw a very big waterfall and took many photos. After this, we continued our trip to the historic city of Quebec. All in all it was a very good day. On Friday, I attended my family to the zoo and I had much fun with my little cousins. Now it's my last week and I will chill out and relax. Even if I have a good time here, I can not say I do not miss my friends or my family. It's not that I am homesick, now, but sometimes I miss a person to share. Sometimes I just want to share all my experiences with someone.
But I can't deny...I am happy here.
So now, it's midday and I will have a lunch now
Miss you, specially my cousin in Germany. I love you, you're not alone, do you still know?

Have a good time, see you soon!

One month ago, I wrote my last text. About a very unpleasant thing. I can not say that all this problems are solved, but I can say: I'm back out!
I will leave all this things behind me and travel to Canada, again. To my loved Canada and my loved family :) Some people might say I run away. But I think that this journey is that, what I need now. Just leave everything behind, don't think about any problem and just enjoy my holidays. Long days in town, go on a shopping or a sight seeing tour. Meet new people, visit new places. And than, long nights into the hammock. Just relax. This is gonna be awsome!
I will miss my friends. And some parts of my family. I really hope they will have a good time, too. And always remember: Maybe I am far away, but I am not leaving the world. So you know you can call me, if you need me. I will be there!

Check out my blog the next weeks, I will use it like kind of "diary". Maybe I'll write some texts about my experiences in Canada!

Happy holidays! See you soon!

I got a call some hours ago. My brother was on the phone and he sounded desperate: "Come here, fast! Something's wrong with mum". He told me, he found mum lying on the floor, without any signs of life.
So I drove to my mums house. When I came in, I saw my mum on the couch (fortunately awake) and she looked around the room. I do not know, if she noticed me. I said some words to her, but she just looked through me and gave some weird and contextless answers. So my dad hug her, let her cry on his shoulder and spoke to her. I went with my brother in his room and talked.
He told me, that my mum swallowed too many sleeping pills. She told him, she just took one, but we don't believe it. Now we are worried.
Sure, my relationship and my time with her was hard..but I think. There's not only hate inside of me. Because today I thought for a short moment I would lose her and it hurts. Maybe I still love her... a little bit...deep inside of me. Because, if I'm not, why am I so worried?
My brother and me don't know, if she really wanted to lay hands upon herself, but we do not expect it.
I've never seen my mum like this before. So..so... I don't know how to express it, but it was horrible. Depressing. Sad.
How will life go on? We do not know. We just know, that it will go on...somehow.

I called my grandparents, one hour ago. I just wanted to say "tank you", because they send me my pocket money, but I should have known that this conversation will end up in a mess. After some petty exchanges of words, they gave me a dressing-down, as always.
They told me, I have to care about my mum. They told me, that it's my task to make steps towards her and to fix our relationship. Maybe I'm wrong, but I always thought that it's the duty of the parents to care for their children. I do not know, why you can't understand me. It seems like nobody could understand my point of view. Sure, it is a bad time for my mum and I know that. Her life companion died a few months ago and the relationship to her children is as good as broken. But..is it my fault? My grandparents blame me for every problem of my mum. They told me: "Her boyfriend is not alive anymore. So your way is clear!" I often hear this sentence. And it's not right. It 'seems like everybody forget, my mum kept it a secrents about months and always lied to me, when I asked her. Maybe I could forgive her, but she never showed me that she is sorry or that she realized she behaved wrong. She is not sorry and that's just too bad.
But not only HE is the problem. The way how my "mum" treated me and this betrayal of confidence is terrible for me, too. But nobody can understand this. Why? I feel used, pranked and fooled. She lied to me. She broke my trust. She destroied our relationship and now it's my task to fall down to my knees and crawl back to her?
My grandparents do not understand how much she and this perverse hog hurt me. Because of him, I have nightmares. I hear his voice over and over again. I smell his breath. I feel his touch, everywhere on my body and I see this smile. His arrogant, sneaky and dirty smile.
And because of my mum, I turned into a vitriolic and warily person. Now I am someone I don't want to be. I hate her and I hate myself for the person I've become.
And I give my hope up, that someone might understand....

I feel like such a fool...

Louder, louder
The voices in my head
Whisper scoffing
All the thing you said
Clearer, clearer
The pictures in my mind
moving faster
and hurt me inside

I locked it
Anywhere inside of me
A Wound so deep
but no one can ever see
I won't forget what you did and said
It would not go away
Like moving pictures in my head
for weeks and months they play

Pictures are flashing
only to my eyes
Shadows are dashing
They don't tell me lies
Faster the days go by
But I'm still
Stuck in this moment
When you make me cry

I feel your touch
Even though it's been a while
But nothing will hurt that much
As I see your smile


You... were.... smiling....