Happy days die...but some survive

My problem isn't that I miss you
'Cause I don't
My problem isn't that I diss you
that's not what I want
I figured out
That you're nothing that I thought you're about
In my mind is no place
and I won't waste
my time...with you

Yes, you are my mum
I know
But because of you
I'm stuck in a lie
The lie you call your life
But people change
Thank God I did
Just because I needed you back then
It doesn't mean I need you now
Just because I needed you back then
It doesn't mean I need you

Don't tell me that you're trying
'cause you don't
You just try your best when you're lying
is this what you want?
Now you're standing here
Saying things you think
I would like to hear
But you do it all wrong
I'm already moved on
my dear

Yes, you are my mum
I know
But because of you
I'm stuck in a lie
The lie you call your life
But people change
Thank God I did
Just because I needed you back then
It doesn't mean I need you now
Just because I needed you back then
It doesn't mean I need you

Now you're standing near me
I don't see so clearly
The feelings take over control
But when I take two steps away
I know exactly what to say:
No you can't go back
It's all in the past
I hope you will regret

Yes, you are my mum
I know
But because of you
I'm stuck in a lie
The lie you call your life
But people change
Thank God I did
Just because I needed you back then
It doesn't mean I need you now
Just because I needed you back then
It doesn't mean I need you

Yes people change...thank god I did....

I don't know what happened between us. Or when it happened. I just know: There happened something. Something wrong.
Our friendship exists of heights and depths. Only unfortunately, the duration of the heights is so short and the duration of the depths so long. I know that is always like this. That's typical for life. People must also experience the time on the ground to come to appreciate the heights again. But we both know, that our time on the ground just bring us down. Deeper as we already are.
Your life is not easy. My life is not easy. But instead of rebuilding ourselves, we stay together on the ground. I wanna live. You wanna die. Yes, there was a time, I also wanted to die. But this time is over. I have attained my strength again. Why don't you try it? Sometimes I think, you do not want that anyone help you, at all. You want to remain on the ground. You want that he hates you. Why do you talk yourself into it over and over again? Sometimes I think, you want to be worthless. You don't want to be happy. Why do you think so? You believe it because you talk yourself into it over and over again.
You think you're alone and nobody would love you. You took it all wrong. You have us. You have him. But do you want that nobody loves you? Sometimes I think so.
You will never become happy, if you keep this attitude. But do you want to become happy at all? Do want to be loved? I'm not sure.
I know the truth hurts, but lies are worse:
I'm sick and tired of your attitude. I can't listening to your deathwish again and again. I can't take your deathwish seriously. You tell me since 3 years from now, that you are going to kill yourself. But you didn't. Don't take me wrong. I don't want you to die, but why are you talking about it everytime and just don't do it? You say you feel terrible, and bad, desperate and sad. You can't feel so bad as you say, 'cause you refuse to accept help (except from him). Somebody who really feel that bad would do everything just for the fact that he feels better again. Or don't you want to be fine? I can't stand this story anymore. And now, don't come and say: I am sorry, I am the only one to blame. I am so worthless and do everything wrong. I should end my life, than you don't have the worthless piece of garbage, anymore and can spend your life in peace. Don't think that you are the only one to blame. And don't think that you mean nothing to me. You mean so much to me, but sometimes friends have to say whats on their mind. And if you think, you mean nothing to me, than you're totally wrong.
You have to change your attitude. Life's what you make it. And you make nothing. Learn to love yourself and don't ever tell yourself that you are ugly, fat and worthless. 'Cause if you believe that, nobody can ever help you. Your love to this man...yes it's strange but you are obsessed of him. Try to get away from him. Than he won't bring you down again and again. I will help you. But only if you change your attitude and really want to change anything. If you do not, and go on with telling: "I'm worthless and wanna die"...then I just can say: "Yes, then die. Kill yourself". You think you are alone.
Haven't you ever noticed all those people who did everything for your happy ending? And you hurted them all. They just love you too much to mention.
But now I did it....
I hope you will think about my words....

You say
you feel sorry for me
sorry for everything that happened to me
but can't you see
I don't want your sympathy
Just let me mention
I don't need your attention

Please tell me
do you take it seriously?
'cause I can't see
if it's just hypocrisy
but just let me mention
I don't need your attention

Let me say
it just went the wrong way
I hope there will be the day
when it work out okay
but now let me mention
I don't need your attention

I make you speechless
thats right, yes
please don't resent me
but don't care about my memory
I wanna mention
I don't need your attention

I know you wanna be kind
But I don't mind
There's nothing you could do
what's that to you
now just let me mention
I still don't need your attention

Everything I do is wrong. Everything. Even when I try to help my friends it's wrong. Last week I worried about one of my best friends. She has got a very hard time right now and she's breaking. And I can't watch her breaking right in front of my eyes. When I felt bad, she tried to help me. She told my teachers that I'm not allright, so she tried to help me. And now, I did the same for her. We are friends. We're caring about the other one, try to help each other and get our feet back on the ground. So I helped her. I told the same teachers: "Help me, help her! She's not allright" I just wanted to help her. One of the teachers took my letter seriously and he will do something, but the other one just missunderstood me. Instead of concentrating on the mainproblem he addressed reproaches to me, and said that I would put him into danger, because his colleague could to draw the wrong conclusions. How could I dare, I should think before I write such a message. Whats going on? I wonder: Can I do anything right, at all? Everything I do hurt someone. Everytime I say something, somebody is angry about me or sulky or sad or what ever. I just wanted to help..and what do I get? reproaches..
So, if I can't do anything right, I just will let it go. I'll just let it be... I'm sick of struggel for anything and all I get is nothing but worse.
I don't want anymore....

We always called ourselfs "CFS", but do you know the meaning of it?
For me, it means to tell you everything and be true to you. What does it means for you? To fight for me? To protect me? Yes, you protected me, but than you broke it...'cause you were never true.
I can't understand it. Why didn't you tell me? To protect me or to protect yourself? I'm not sure. I don't know anything. Mum lied, you lied..every person I ever trust lied to me. Lied right in my face. So tell me? Who can I trust? I really don't know.
I just wanted a relationship like: We love each other, can talk about everything and be true to each other.. but it wasn't possible..why?
You can't tell me if you're feeling good or bad. You can't tell me, why you're thinking that you're lifes a desaster. Why? Am I untrustworthy? I can't understand why everybody is telling me lies... I can't understand it and I'm really mad about it.
And the worst part about all this is that I can't trust you anymore. If you tell me, you're fine, I don't believe you. If you tell me, you're feeling bad, I don't believe you. If you tell me, you care..I can't believe you. If you tell me, you love me....I just can't believe you....I'm so sorry..but I just can't. You told me that you'd be always true from now on. But I don't think that you are... I can't believe you. Believe me, I really want, but I just can't...
I just believe, that you figure me for a little girl, who think she's an adult. Who thinks she knows everything.... And I can't handle this. I am a free person. I can decide: "Do I want this? - Yes or no" I know enough to know myself and do whats right for me. And the worst you can ever do, is take away my freedom from me.
You wrote in one of your text, that nobody knows you... So, which person do I know? Do I have this CFS relationship with a fake cousin? Did I ever see the real you? And why did you keep it a secret? I thought you trust me and that I can trust you..but, who are you? Which person did I trust and which person did I tell my secrets? Were you ever true to me?
I'm sorry, I love...you..even though I never knew who you are...
It's a pitty that I had to say this..but that's on my mind. When will I ever know you?
But I really have a question: Was it really necessary?


<3