Happy days die...but some survive

It makes me sick
to see him
to see you
to see you together
it makes me sick

It makes me sick
to think about it
to dream of it
to talk about it
it makes me sick

It makes me sick
all the memories
the voices
inside my head
it makes me sick

It makes me sick
the wrath
the grief
the impotence
it makes me sick

It makes me sick
the nights I'm crying
to see you lieing
how can you watch me dying
it makes me sick

It makes me sick
to see his smile
this arrogant simle
and you love him
it makes me sick

It makes me sick
what he has done
done with me
and you do nothing
it makes me sick

It makes me sick
but who cares?
you don't
'cause you don't believe me
it makes me sick

I'm sick
because of him
because of you
but nobody cares
that's making me sick

I'm going through the
same day
Same place
same way
I always do
Then I saw you from the corner
And it hit me like a ton of bricks
I can't lie
Oh I hate you
My life was always living in black and white
But you changed my point of view

'cause you make me feel blue

I'll stand up and make it true
do what I have to do
revenge for all you've put me trough
I'm gonna kill you
I don't wanna feel blue
And I do when I kill you

But I have to control
myself
My thoughts
my mind
You know you can break me down
In my life I feel like a prisoner
In a lie
Are you feeling me?
Everytime, everywhere
you are around
and I can't break out

'cause you make me feel blue

I'll stand up and make it true
do what I have to do
revenge for all you've put me trough
I'm gonna kill you
I don't wanna feel blue
And I do when I kill you

But I know
even when you go
the pain will stay
it won't go away
we both know the truth
I stand between her and you
but I do what I wanna do
and numb my pain

I'll stand up and make it true
do what I have to do
revenge for all you've put me trough
I'm gonna kill you
I don't wanna feel blue
And I do when I kill you

I'm gonna kill you....

The conversation with my mum proceeded yesterday. I talked to her. Said everything. But I don't think that I reached something. I'm just as hurt as before. We both had different imaginations of the end. She thought that everything would be okay, after we talked and I always knew that I don't want to see her again for the next time. I don't know why...but even though I was so angry, sad and hurt it hurts me seeing her suffer. She's still my mum and anywhere, deep inside of me I'm still loving her. But I'm to proud to show it. I don't want that she thinks she could treat me such unfair and the little girl would crawl back. She has to learn that she can't treat me that way, even though I'm only a little teenager and don't have much life experience. She can't! I can't! My pride is saying "no"!
When I saw her crying, I felt sorry for her.. Something inside me wanted to solace her, but the other me, the stronger me, remember me how she treated me and so I sat there and watched her crying. But I didn't forget what she has done and so I could stand it. For me it was hard, too. But I said clearly what's in my mind and what I want...what I wish for the future. And I said that I need distance. That I need time and space. Time without her. She has to give me time and I will call her when I'm ready for it. Ready for another try. I don't know how long it takes, I will trust my feelings.
After the conversation we stood on the street. Darkness around us. She tried to hug me, but I slapped her arms away. I didn't want that she touchs me. Than she walked away and I stood there.. alone in the darkness. I felt so tired. I could cry. But I didn't. I don't know why, but I wanted to stay strong. Like I did the last month. And so I walked away and got lost in the darkness....

I hope that she'll take my wishes seriously... I hope so.
I couln't stand another disappointment.....

There is a feeling. A feeling inside of me. I tried to ignore it, but it's getting stronger. Every minute I'm alone, or every minute I'm sad and need somebody to hold me, it's getting stronger. I even dreamed of it last night. I can't deny it. But I feel homesick to Canada. Some people might say: "Oh come on. If you were there for a year or forever, you wouldn't think that it's so great there and you would become homesick to germany." Yes I know that they're right. But, well I don't know what I really miss. Maybe it was my freedom there. Or my family. The conversations, the city, the sights, the stores. I don't know. But I think it was all. I loved it. I woke up at morning, no stress, and I decided where I wanted to go. A shopping tour? Sight seeing? Or both? It doesn't matter, because I could decide on my own. Sometimes my family took me with them and we drove to the beach, or took a nice dinner in a fancy restaurant. Beeing with them was all I needed. They helped me to overcome things, they just held me tight... and I've become more gratefull than ever.
So I miss it all. I can't explain it... I just know that everything was perfect. Really everything. I arrived there and fit in from the first moment. It was a fantastic time and it's so hard to let it go. I miss it all. The town, my family..why are they so far away. Please let me go back...I need it...please...just for a while....

It's a normal, natural process in everyones life. There are happy times and there are bad times. And as everybody know are the bad times much longer than the happy times. Or does it just seem this way to us? No, I don't think so. Harm, Pain, Fears...all this don't need much time to bring us down and the way to stand up again is hard and hurt so much. Yes, bad times are even longer than good times. For good times you have to work, maybe you have to suffer and when you reached your aim or something good happened to you, you are just happy a few days and than it's over. To fall again is so easy, so simple, it's normal, but the way up again is hard...and not everybody can stand this. But I think that it have to be this way. If people were always happy, they would become hooked on the luck, they would try to reach much more, they wouldn't stop. No thats not good.
People have to be unhappy in their life, to come to value the good times. Only this way, they can enjoy the happy days and gather strength for the next hard fall and the stand up. This is a normal process in everybodys life and nobody can change it. Yes people might think: "No, that's not good, that's not fair..." Yes, life is not fair but we have to life with it. And just think...there is anything, anyone who make the bad time easier and who make this all not so worthless.

So now, my happy days end and very hard and painfull days are waiting for me. But I'll move along...I know that there will be another good time again =)

In the night they appear
and wake me up, scare me
I get the fear that it'll all go wrong
and nothing will be how it should be
When I'm feeling all alone
And no one seems to care
I cry for all the things I've lost
and wonder why I'm here

Can't run away from my fear of tomorrrow
Can't turn my back on all my sorrow

When the fear and anger hits me
I close the door
The voices that I hear inside me
Calling more and more
I know that there is a reason
A reason why I'm here
But I'm searching for so long
And the voices become clear

Can't run away from my fear of tomorrow
Can't turn my back on all my sorrow

The voices become clear and reinforce my fear of tomorrow.....