Happy days die...but some survive

Only four days are left. My vacation here in Canada will be over on sunday. At the beginning of my journey, I thougt I will get some new perspectives, another view about the things. And in some ways it's right. My family talked about my problems with me and I get some other ways to think about them, but it's an illusion that my problems are disapeared, when I return. They will be still there. Big and hard like before. But maybe I will have another way to deal with it.
Another thought was, that I'll finally find out where I belong. I'm sure that I don't belong to my home in germany. Here I feel very protect, far away from every person, who could hurt me. But my stay was not long enough to decide, if I could become happy here. So I have to go back..back to my problems, back to every hated person, back to every hurt I will get. But there's a little light. I'm going to go back to some loves persons, too. I hope they will help me to go through all the dark times, which are comming soon. I hope they will give me the power I need, to fight against everything that's hurting me. Please, my dearest friends...help me!
So at the end, another question without an answer:
Sure, I loved the time here, it was that, what I needed and I enjoyed it so much.. but..
If I don't belong here and if I don't belong to my "home"...where do I belong anyway?

Now my first week in Canada is over and in general I can say: It was a very good time and I enjoyed it. But now I'm worried. Worried about my cousin in germany. She didn't tell me in the direct way that she's feeling bad, but I read it between the lines and in some of her blogtexts. I did wrong things. I said the wrong things to her. Everytime I just try to help her, make her feel better and go with her through the dark times. But my words, when I was there some weeks ago, just reach the wrong. I don't know what was going on, but I just said things without tinking about them and that was so wrong. I'm so sorry about it. And since I made this mistakes it feels like there's something between us. Something that shouldn't be there. I try to push it away, but I'm not sure if it works. I hope so. I hope that she forgave me. With this text I want to tell her that she's not alone. That I will help her through the dark times again, that there's the same relationship like one month ago. I love you, I will help you. When I am back in germany, we'll meet us again and at first I will hug you. Just hug you. My dear, I hope I can make feel you better, even though there's a big distance. Don't be sad, don't worry. Push everything away, whichs not good for you. Punish the others, not yourself. Remember my words. You are never alone. That's something you taught me. I love you! see you! CFS

So, now I'm here in Canada. It's ca. 5 o' clock in the afternoon, exited and I am happy. Until now, I saw so many sights, diffrent cultures, people, malls. At the beginning I was confused. I was tired because of the flight, lights..everywhere, noise, houses..maybe 80m high. But now it's so cool. I survived the Jet Lag and now I can enjoy the time more than at the beginning. I think there are a lot of mistakes in my text, but I can't concentrate so well. So now, I will stop here and write a new and longer text later. I just want to say, I'm so happy here. To see other places and my loved family =)

So, today was the last day in school. We got our certificates and the teachers set us free.
I had a very funny afternoon, because I spend time with my friends and was happy, because of my journey to Canada next day.
Now I am at home, nothing left to pack, I'm ready to leave. But I have to wait for three hours. Canada and my family there is waiting for me! I'm so exited..
But I think I will miss my friends and my cat so bad. I just hope that they'll have a good time. But they know, I am always there, if they need me!
So, I wish you a happy holiday =)

It's one of these nights. These nights when I can't sleep, because my emotions keep me awake. I'm just feeling sad, angry and missunderstood. Every fucking word I say is wrong. As many as one person is sore or angry after a conversation with me. I hate it when people believe they would know what I think or how I feel. When I say something, they analyse it and most they missunderstood me. I've got an uncle and an aunt. Sure, I love them, but they always think they know what's going on with me. My feelings and my attitude is always just the puberty. If they ask me: "How are you" and I answer: "Not so well, because..." They just they: "Oh, that's the puberty" If I try to tell them what I feel, what I think and that I hate their actions, they just laugh and say: "Yes, poor girl, nobody loves you" I'm not poor. I'm just unhappy. But that's all my fault. If I'd really want, I think I could change something, but I do not have the motivation or what ever. I know that it is my fault, that I'm unhappy, but I don't mind. I just want to go away from this place. Here is nothing what's holding me. But I can't and so I have to deal with the situation. I think, I just should accept it all and everything will work out. Life is just an unswayable growth and you believe that you can change something, but in reality the nature have a plan, which nobody can change.
But that's not the theme. I've got the feeling, that everything what I do is wrong. I'm hurting the people just because of saying a word. If I say something, the people think I'm crazy or just pile on the agony and if I say nothing it's wrong too. So tell me, tell me what to do. You always say that I'm a little child, so now, the little child don't know what do you. Say whats on my mind or shut up? I'm insecure. I don't know where to go, what's the right place? Where do I belong, and to whom do I belong? You make it so easy. I feel terrible and it's just the puberty. No, it couldn't be my fucking life... it's just a phase. The whole life is a phase. I just hope that the phase I'm stuck in since a few years is over soon. I hope so...

After twelve
not so well
but it's still too soon to tell
what I'm feeling now
I don't think
that you understand
what's round this bend

And that's because you never listen
and when you do
you don't take it seriously

So I try it my way
and do it all alone
it was always the same
the story is getting old
So I guess the nothingness
will be the end of the roud
soon, it will be too late
I have to find the mistake

A lot to say
but not today
there nothing left but silence
or extraneous conversations
A fast goodbye
everytime
don't remember
what I loved about things
I ever liked

And that's because you never listen
and when you do
you don't take it seriously

So I try it my way
and do it all alone
it was always the same
the story is getting old
So I guess the nothingness
will be the end of the roud
soon, it will be too late
I have to find the mistake

I thought
maybe I will get somewhere
but I'm still nowhere at all
Have to question every move I make
Every step is wrong
I remember what it feels like
to know you
but it was taken away
can't think about what I am learning right know
but I will think on it
someday