Happy days die...but some survive

I'm so happy =)
My family from Canada sent a joyful message to me. l'm going to get a new cousin. My aunt is pregnant. I am so happy. A new baby, a little brother for my loved cousin. She is happy, too. I will look them up in four weeks and I'm so exicted. Yeah =)
It's good to get some joyful messages, after so many days of crying and bad feelings.
I don't know what I should say... I'm just happy.

I'm feeling empty today. In my mind are no thoughts I could write about. There are just my feelings. Not so good feelings. I am angry. Angry about some guys who are a little bit wierd. They put out a rumour. Well, I'm angry about that, but I think this guys aren't worth to spare just one thought about them. They do their thing, I do my own thing, so why can't we leave it at that?
Than, there are my worries. I'm worried about a good friend. He's ill and I can't help him. I'm not sure if I will stand what's comming soon. But I will take it, for him. I have to think about what I will do next.
But there's a good feeling, too. I'm gratefull. This boy, I wrote about some time ago, is helping me, to find a solution for my problems. I will write some classtest this and next week. I'm feeling not very well. But he tells me that I can take it and I believie in me.
And there's another feeling. Surprise. I'm exicted what will happen next... hmm... yeah, this is gonna be awsome.
And there's delight. I will spend my holidays in Canada and in the USA. It's gonna be a very good time, to relax and to see very interesting things. I think I will learn much...

So these are my mixed up feelings. Good and Bad. I just sit back and watch what will happen... =D

Dear Mum,

I know, you'll never read this text. But I just have to say what's on my mind. Our realationship isn't the best. I can't see you, I can't talk to you without thinking about what you've done. I feel lost since 5 years. And thats all your fault. 24.12.2005. The beginning of this desaster. Oh, you couln't chose a better day for your bad news. I can remember how happy I was on this christmas. Our whole family was together, everybody was happy. And you looked satisfied, too. You played the role of the happy houswife. But you just played. I can remember, in the same night, you told us, that you'll leave. I was too young to understand what that means. But I understood your game in time. At first you took me with you, when you moved away. And than you tried to change my mind about my father. You just saw the man you hate and not the father of your children. You said bad and terrible things about him. But you forgot. He's my father. I know him very well. So I didn't believe what you told me. And you incited the other family members, and persons who doesn't belong to our fight (like the neighbour), to do the same nasty things. And so, I didn't want to have you in my near anymore. I sufferd, because of your damn attitude and you didn't help me, no, you just perpetuated your fucking battle. I moved back to my father. And this desicion was the beginning of the real battle. You addressd reproaches to me. That I left you, when you needed me the most. That I left you alone. You said, that I woulnd't care about you. But did you ever noticed, you never cared about my problems, too? Where were you, when I felt bad, when I cried at night, when I screamd for help, when my life was fallen apart? You are the one to answer for this bad time. And now, you come and say that I should care about you? Give me a reason, only one reason why I should care. You weren't there when I was scared. You need to listen, I'm losing my grip. You haven't got the right to address reproaches to me. Don't play these games with my mind. You better stop it, 'cause you're wasting your time. I felt bad when you were in my near and so I broke off contact with you. Now, you are hurt and angry. I don't know if you love me.
But it's not just you who make me suffer. It's all the shit. The shit which happens because of you. You are the only one to blame.
I just wanna run away. Never say goodbye. I wanna forget everything. You lied to me. You lied to us. Again and again. All I needed was the truth. But you aren't courageous enough. But why sould you tell me the truth, when it's easier to lie? I wanna know the truth instead of always wondering why.
So, I just want you to know: You can't address reproaches to me, because you are the one who is answer for this. You are the one to blame. And not me or my dad. Only you. You lied, you faked, you incited the others to do the same damn things. You aren't the person I know. Where is my mum? And if this old known mum won't come back, I won't come back, too. I don't know if I ever will forgive you. Think about it. But remember. You are the only one to blame...

I love you, Mum. The Mum I knew in my childhood....

I don't like my formteacher. He thinks he knows me. But he don't know anything. If I say something he analyse it and think that he know what I'm thinking. I don't like this person. But I smile when he looks in my direction and think: "Oh my good. You know nothing". Well, he said that every student have to do a performance in the beginnig of a lesson and summerise the lesson before. And now it's my time to do this. I don't know anything about physics. It has never been my strong point. And so I asked my father to help me. Well, I love my father, that's for sure, but he isn't a good teacher. I don't always understand what he wants to tell me. And so he shout at me. I'm afraid of him. The things he say are hurting me. If he is so angry he say that I'm stupid, that I don't belong to the school I go to every week. I'm not intelligent enough for lessons like physics, math... . Well, he's right. I'm gifted in languages or lessons which I have to talk a lot. But he said to me, that I don't want to learn. That I don't want to improve me. And that's what is not right. I want to improve my school performace and I learn a lot for it in my free time. But nobody seems to see it. They tell me that I'm lazy and I don't want to improve me. And so I wonder, why should I struggle if nobody is seeing it? Everybody is thinking that I'm stupid. And I know that this opinion will never change. I can do everything, but the people will still believe that I'm stupid. So why should I try to change it? Nobody sees my struggle, so what should I do? Now, I will try to finish my physic performance...

What's home? The place where you' re living? Where you have enough to eat and a bed to sleep? I'm not sure. But I know, that home is there, where you are happy. You can decide on your own where your home is.
I'm not sure anymore which place I should call home. At first I have to know the definition of home. I'm searching for this place. Maybe I allready found it, but I don't noticed it. I will find it out.... Yes, I will =)

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Home

Living with the shallowness
need no pity for my life
time has changes everything
this journey I survived

With the hopes and fears inside me
I walk this path alone
my destiny reminds me
I`m far away from home

Standing in the darkness
who switch off the light?
Promises are broken
a boat against the tide

With my heart the burns inside me
I face the world alone
I need someone to guide me
to a place called HOME