Happy days die...but some survive

I don't know what it is. But today is a very strange day. At the beginning I was happy, than I get angry. After that I was happy again. In the afternoon I was depressed and now, in the early evening, I am disturbed. How will I feel in two hours or next night? Will I scream? Will I cry? Or will I be calm? I am afraid of the next time. Hard things, difficult situations are comming soon. Will I take it? I hope so. A friend told me that I should believe in me. That I should concentrate on the good things. I know that he's right. And I know that I can take it, if I want. And I want. I know, it's gonna be hard, I will be sad and want to give it up...but in the end, I know that I will take it. I know that I won't give up....because of you.
So, what's going on? Will I control my feelings soon? I hope so...damn. I'm so frustrated.... and speechles, too. I just can say, I hope that I'm dreaming, because I'm sick of this feeling I'm so mixed up, somebody help me.

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How come everything turns out
Leaving me with more doubts
I feel like I'm upside down
And I don't wanna be here
I go right, should have gone left
And I say things I should of not said
Look at me in this big mess
I don't wanna be here


Tell me how to fix this,
tell me that everything is gonna be okay
Because today it feels like
I won't make it to the top now
Don't know how to get outta this
So mixed up
Somebody help me


Everything I do
Is making me more confused
Oh it used to be easy
All I had to be was me
I'm so mixed up
Everywhere I go
Somewhere that I don't know
Oh I'm hoping that I'm dreaming
'Cuz I'm sick of this feeling
Im mixed up
Somebody help me

In my last text I wrote about my friend. I was full of emotions.... angry and sad. Today, I checkt my mails and read a message. My friend sent it to me. She said that she's sorry, that she was wrong. She said that the will break without me. At first I thought: "Don't tell me lies. If you really like me, you wouldn't do this to me again and again" But later, I thought: "She never wrote such a letter to me. So emotional. Does she mean it seriously?" We've got almost the same past. Broken families, don't like the same person and just want to talk with only one person. She was the only one who understood my wish to talk with this one person, because she wanted to do the same. We laugh together and were sad together. We did the same crazy things. She just had to look in my face and knew what I thought. The other way around it was the same. The last month was a difficult time for us. And yesterday I really thought that our time togehter is over. I will give her one last chance. So I will see if she means it seriously or not. And if she hurt me again, I will leave her...forever. But now, I will be by her side. I will help her and I will do everything for her happy ending. I know that we got the power to take it. Together, we will take it!
I promise, I will be right here. Will you promise?

We had a quarrel. And now I feel like I was blind a long time. Why didn't I see your real character? How could I be so stupid? I forgave you, again and again. Because I thought: "Well, she have got a difficult time. Too many problems". But now, It's enough. I am out of patience with you. I can feel that there's missing something. I know that it's you. But still... I feel different. But not sad at all. You are not my friend anymore. We don't have place for each other. But... well... I don't miss you. I really don't miss you at all.
I love the time we had together. But I hate what you've become. Or maybe..were always like this? And even if we were friends for so long... I just wonder, Why don't I miss you? You pulled me down. I had a lot of respect, but now, that's over. I will change. I won't be the naively, weak and stupid girl anymore. I think, I should say "Thank you", because you made me feel this way. But I don't think that you will listen to me. Now, It's time to go my own way. My way without you. I wanted to go this way with you, because our time was great, but I don't want to do this, if you are this person. You don't care about anything. You weren't interested in our friendship (can we call it "friendship"?), you didn't care about the feelings of other persons. Did you ever wonder if you hurt other people with your statements or your attitude? If you'll read this you will laugh and say: "Oh my god, what for a stupid text. She think that she's strong and can rout me. She's so sadly." Maybe you will always think that you are right. But I know that I won't care about it. I will know, that I went my way, that I got what I wanted and that I don't care about you like the way you don't care about me. And that's something I can be proud of. Leaving a friend is always difficult. Because it means that you will bring a important part of your life to an end. But sometimes it's the right. The only way to get out. And if you understand this, you will be yourself, you will have people around you who really care about you and you will be happy. I will try to live this attitude from now on, because I'm sure, than you can't hurt me anymore. I just want to say: I like the time we had. I love you, but I will not bear this persone you are, now. I know, you don't care... but I do.
So, why is one side of me missing you and the other side not? Can anybode tell me?

I'm not sure if I belong to this place.
I'm not sure if I want to stay my whole live here
I'm not sure if I should call this place "home"
Living here is not easy. But I think, there's no place where life is easy. I don't know why I'm bleating. I've got friends, my family. Well, I've got a broken family, but I accepted that I couldn't change this situation. I miss something. And I have to find out what it is. I don't know where I should start searching. Will I find it out? I don't know. I have to travel the whole wide world to find what's missing in my life. I know, there are a lot of things which went wrong but I know that I can't go back, it's all in the past. I think I became numb. I don't care about the things which are happening around me anymore. Why? What happened that I feel like this? I don't know. I will try to change it. I will try to be a better me, from now on. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do you wrong.
I know I have to find what's missing. Will you help me?

I always believed in love. But now... I don't know what happened, but my faith isn't here anymore. Where does it go? I'm not sure. Maybe I lost my faith because I know so many people who believed in love and now they are hurt.
There are my parents. They always told me that they love each other and now their fighting against everything which belongs to the other person. There are my friends who had a boy or girlfriend and get depressed when the relationship come to an end.There is my friend. She is in love with a boy or most a man. But the man isn't in love with her and he isn't allowed to love my friend. I can see her die, everytime she see him. She want him, but she know that she will never get him. I think she will be breaking soon.
Almost every relationship I ever known come to a very sad end. So why should I do this to me? I don't want to get hurt. And love is just a fake. A fake of emotions. In the end, it just make you sad...
So tell me: Why?