Happy days die...but some survive

You are in my mind
as I walk away
Can't deny
I knew that it'll end that way
life is life
and sometimes it doesn't work out fine
But it's killing me to see you go
after all this time

And we knew
it won't be simple
won't be easy
No clean break
no one's here to save me
You were the only thing I knew
like the back of my hand

And I can't
Breathe
Without you
But I have to
I can't be
Without you
But I have to

Music starts playing
like the end of a sad movie
It's the kind of ending
you don't really want to see
'Cause it's tragedy
and it'll only bring you down
Now I don't know what to be
without you around
Life is life
and sometimes it doesn't work out
but nothing now can save me from the fall out

And we knew
it won't be simple
won't be easy
No clean break
no one's here to save me
You were the only thing I knew
like the back of my hand

And I can't
breathe
without you
but I have to
I can't be
without you
but I have to

It's 3am
I realise that I've lost my friend
Hope you know it's not easy
easy for me
It's 3am
I realise that I've lost my friend
Will it ever be easy
easy for me?

I can't be without you...but I have to...

I'm sick
of this places
I'm tired
of this faces
I'm sick and tired
of everything

I'm sick
of these people
I'm tired
of these words
I'm sick and tired
of this whole world

I'm sick
of your attitude
I'm tired
of your lies
I'm sick and tired
of everything you do

I'm sick
of their claims
I'm tired
of all their demands
I'm sick and tired
of beeing with them

I'm sick
of your trials
I'm tired
of your help
I'm sick and tired
of beeing needy

I'm sick
of crying
I'm tired
of dying
I'm sick and tired
of pretending

I'm sick
of these nightmares
I'm tired
of fever dreams
I'm sick and tired
of beeing awake

I'm sick
of beeing tired
I'm tired
of beeing sick
I'm sick and tired
of every sleepless night

I'm sick
I just wanna sleep
I'm tired
I just wanna recover
I'm sick and tired
of always beeing sick and tired

Miss my kitty. That's all I can say. Three weeks ago he died. On the outside and by the day it seems like I am over it. But that's not right. Every evening, when darkness surrounds me, I realize how alone I am without him. It's so empty here now. And than I can't hold back the tears. I still miss him. Miss him so much. I don't think that anybody can understand this, 'cause he was "just a cat"..but he was so important to me. I can't describe my pain..it just hurts so much. And the listless and tacky jokes of my aunt don't make it better. They just cause feelings of guilt. Why didn't I look after him much better. I should have protected him much more... Am I the one to blame? Is it my fault, that all my kittys are dead now? But I loved them all so much. Unique Leo. It makes me feel so bad. He was the best little kitty I've ever had.
I'm so sorry....

I think about so many things every day. Most of the time they are unimportant and just boring, but there is this one thought I can't forget. There are two different kinds of pain. First the physical pain and second the psychic pain. For me, the physical pain is easier to endure as the mental pain. I know that the physical one can be numbed with painkillers and that it won't stay long, but the psychic pain is very hard to overcome. A bad physical injury heals very fast. It just takes some weeks or months. But every little scratch on your soul can pursue you your whole life. Maybe it's in disguise most of the time, but there are this special "key-moments" in everyones life, when all this little scratches and self-doubts come out and bother you in the night. People had to learn to handle it. But now let's go back to the pain. I wrote that you can numb the physical pain with painkillers or some other pills, it's very easy. To numb the mental pain is much more difficult. Not impossible, but hard. Many people, who think, that they can't stand their mental pain, anymore, searched for such a method and they've made a find. You just have to augment your corporal pain and than you feel the other, the worse ache not longer or weaker. So I can say. The knife is my painkiller. It's crazy that you have to inflict pain on yourself for beeing painless...well...for beeing psychic painless. It's really strange, isn't it? I can say, that I didn't cut myself with a knife a long time...but the last time I began to think that I can't stand this pain, again. And I really want to numb this feeling, but not with a knife. I think that the fatigue and the sleep deprivation compound this wish, 'cause I'm sick and tired of beeing awake the whole night just because of these fucking pain and fears. Yes, I'm affraid. Affraid of losing the ones I love. I've lost my loved cat and I will lost another loved friend the next month. Who's the next? Who will leave me next? I couldn't survive without my friends or my family and I'm so affraif of losing them. I realized that life could change so easily. Just one snap, just one false step and it all could change...it all could burst. And this is my fear. This is my pain. And I want to numb it. I want to sleep...but I can't. I don't want to hurt myself, again, 'cause I know, that when the pain of the cut is gone, the pain in my soul is much stronger than before....

The snow is falling down
down on my face
softly and noiselessly
you're not here
but I'm searching
for your little
tracks in the snow

The snow is falling down
not a single sound
I'm waiting
for your soft purr
and I remember
your little
tracks in the snow

The snow is falling down
I'm alone
miss your soft fur
on my skin
and I hope
that I can find
your little tracks in the snow

The snow is falling down
a tear drops in the snow
little snowy tracks
you're gone
without a trace
all I have are the memories
like your little tracks in the snow