Freitag, 4. Juni 2010
Understanding
unhappy, 17:28h
I called my grandparents, one hour ago. I just wanted to say "tank you", because they send me my pocket money, but I should have known that this conversation will end up in a mess. After some petty exchanges of words, they gave me a dressing-down, as always.
They told me, I have to care about my mum. They told me, that it's my task to make steps towards her and to fix our relationship. Maybe I'm wrong, but I always thought that it's the duty of the parents to care for their children. I do not know, why you can't understand me. It seems like nobody could understand my point of view. Sure, it is a bad time for my mum and I know that. Her life companion died a few months ago and the relationship to her children is as good as broken. But..is it my fault? My grandparents blame me for every problem of my mum. They told me: "Her boyfriend is not alive anymore. So your way is clear!" I often hear this sentence. And it's not right. It 'seems like everybody forget, my mum kept it a secrents about months and always lied to me, when I asked her. Maybe I could forgive her, but she never showed me that she is sorry or that she realized she behaved wrong. She is not sorry and that's just too bad.
But not only HE is the problem. The way how my "mum" treated me and this betrayal of confidence is terrible for me, too. But nobody can understand this. Why? I feel used, pranked and fooled. She lied to me. She broke my trust. She destroied our relationship and now it's my task to fall down to my knees and crawl back to her?
My grandparents do not understand how much she and this perverse hog hurt me. Because of him, I have nightmares. I hear his voice over and over again. I smell his breath. I feel his touch, everywhere on my body and I see this smile. His arrogant, sneaky and dirty smile.
And because of my mum, I turned into a vitriolic and warily person. Now I am someone I don't want to be. I hate her and I hate myself for the person I've become.
And I give my hope up, that someone might understand....
I feel like such a fool...
They told me, I have to care about my mum. They told me, that it's my task to make steps towards her and to fix our relationship. Maybe I'm wrong, but I always thought that it's the duty of the parents to care for their children. I do not know, why you can't understand me. It seems like nobody could understand my point of view. Sure, it is a bad time for my mum and I know that. Her life companion died a few months ago and the relationship to her children is as good as broken. But..is it my fault? My grandparents blame me for every problem of my mum. They told me: "Her boyfriend is not alive anymore. So your way is clear!" I often hear this sentence. And it's not right. It 'seems like everybody forget, my mum kept it a secrents about months and always lied to me, when I asked her. Maybe I could forgive her, but she never showed me that she is sorry or that she realized she behaved wrong. She is not sorry and that's just too bad.
But not only HE is the problem. The way how my "mum" treated me and this betrayal of confidence is terrible for me, too. But nobody can understand this. Why? I feel used, pranked and fooled. She lied to me. She broke my trust. She destroied our relationship and now it's my task to fall down to my knees and crawl back to her?
My grandparents do not understand how much she and this perverse hog hurt me. Because of him, I have nightmares. I hear his voice over and over again. I smell his breath. I feel his touch, everywhere on my body and I see this smile. His arrogant, sneaky and dirty smile.
And because of my mum, I turned into a vitriolic and warily person. Now I am someone I don't want to be. I hate her and I hate myself for the person I've become.
And I give my hope up, that someone might understand....
I feel like such a fool...
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