Happy days die...but some survive

I think about so many things every day. Most of the time they are unimportant and just boring, but there is this one thought I can't forget. There are two different kinds of pain. First the physical pain and second the psychic pain. For me, the physical pain is easier to endure as the mental pain. I know that the physical one can be numbed with painkillers and that it won't stay long, but the psychic pain is very hard to overcome. A bad physical injury heals very fast. It just takes some weeks or months. But every little scratch on your soul can pursue you your whole life. Maybe it's in disguise most of the time, but there are this special "key-moments" in everyones life, when all this little scratches and self-doubts come out and bother you in the night. People had to learn to handle it. But now let's go back to the pain. I wrote that you can numb the physical pain with painkillers or some other pills, it's very easy. To numb the mental pain is much more difficult. Not impossible, but hard. Many people, who think, that they can't stand their mental pain, anymore, searched for such a method and they've made a find. You just have to augment your corporal pain and than you feel the other, the worse ache not longer or weaker. So I can say. The knife is my painkiller. It's crazy that you have to inflict pain on yourself for beeing painless...well...for beeing psychic painless. It's really strange, isn't it? I can say, that I didn't cut myself with a knife a long time...but the last time I began to think that I can't stand this pain, again. And I really want to numb this feeling, but not with a knife. I think that the fatigue and the sleep deprivation compound this wish, 'cause I'm sick and tired of beeing awake the whole night just because of these fucking pain and fears. Yes, I'm affraid. Affraid of losing the ones I love. I've lost my loved cat and I will lost another loved friend the next month. Who's the next? Who will leave me next? I couldn't survive without my friends or my family and I'm so affraif of losing them. I realized that life could change so easily. Just one snap, just one false step and it all could change...it all could burst. And this is my fear. This is my pain. And I want to numb it. I want to sleep...but I can't. I don't want to hurt myself, again, 'cause I know, that when the pain of the cut is gone, the pain in my soul is much stronger than before....