Happy days die...but some survive

Today's Christmas. And I hate it. The day started fine. We decorated the christmas-tree and than I helped my aunt and uncle with the preparations of the christmas-food. It was a funny afternoon and I thought that the evening would be fine, but I deluded myself. There are many reasons, why I have to fight with myself to hold the tears back. At first, I am sick. My head is hurting badly, my eyes are burning and my throat makes it hard to speak or to swallow...
And than, all the memories of the christmas days, when I was a little child came back to life and it just hurts to remember it all. Than my brother told me my mum will come here the next days and want to give me a presten. But I'm not sure, if I could stand her attendance. I don't want her prestent. I don't want that she's here. In my house, in my room. It's the only room, where I can hide from the persons who just hurt me. Yes I could close the door, turn the key around, but she will stand there and knock and it would torn me apart to hear her voice, how she try to reach me... Even though I want her to suffer, even though I don't want contact with her, I get feelings of guilt, when she stands there, desperate and try to get her daughter back. But I can't open the door, I just can't...it would destroy all my self-protection, it would destroy all my strength and it would cause the pain, again.
Back to this evening. I was so grateful to my aunt and uncle that they tried to make christmas not so terrible for me. And they reached what they wanted. It was not that terrible, like the years before and I love them for all they have done and still do. And I've got feelings of guilt that I just left their house, without really saying goodbye or thank you. But I was so angry. My father annoied me the whole evening. His jokes weren't funny, he knew everything better and he didn't understand that I am ashamed of him. He makes me look ridiculous in front of my everyone. My family, my boyfriend, my friends...and I am so ashamed of him, but he just didn't noticed. So I mentioned this and after some other words he said: "You do nothing" I do nothing? I do nothing? I'm so angry, that he doesn't realize that I do everything for him. I do the housework, because I want him to have some free time, after work. I don't tell him about my problems, 'cause he has got enough own worries . I try to get good marks in school, because I don't want him to waste his free time for learning with me. And than he says that I do nothing? He thinks that I just sit lazy in front of my PC the whole day.. and I wonder: Why should I care? Why should I care, if he has free time, if he has to care about my worries, why should I care if he's fine, even when he doesn't notice what I do for him? I've never heard words like "Thank you"..now, he just criticize me.... And just because I got angry and said what's on my mind, everybody told me I should not overreact. Just because I told him the truth, I'm iffy, now. Now I am the little, overreacting doe, again. And that makes me angry..angry and sad.
I thank my aunt and uncle, because they tried to make this evening fine and I'm sorry that I broke it..I have to apologize..
Now, I just can say:
Merry Christmas, to all the ones who love this day. I really hope that nobody broke their illusion...
Merry Christmas...