Happy days die...but some survive

I couldn't sleep last night. Like many nights before. No nightmares kept me awake, no, I just couldn't sleep. I tried it. I watched TV, I read a book, I swallowed painkillers and sleeping pills, but I just couldn't sleep. I was very tired, but even when I crawled in my bed and turned off the light, I had time to think. Time to feel the pain, again. Time to cry. Time to scream. Time to bleed. Time to hate. I wonder, when will I stop hating? And what's then? Will I cry? Will I scream? Or maybe I won't care at all. But this hate, and yes, it's really bottomless hatred, is destroying myself. It's this impotence. That I can't do anything. That I have to watch him..her...them, that she just care about her own life and doesn't see how much she hurt me. I'm so angry. I told her, what he has done to me and she just laughed. No, she didn't believe me. She didn't help me. Now, I even know why...
Yesterday I visited my uncle and my aunt. Some months ago I thought that they don't care about me, that they think I would just pile on agony..but when this disaster started they helped me. They understood me and I noticed that I was wrong. I'm very gratefull to them. So back to yesterday. I decleared myself to a half-orphan. I don't think that they took it seriously, but I do. This women hasn't got the right to call herself my mother. I don't want her as my mother. She doesn't treat me like her daughter. I don't want such a "mother" and so I prefer to tell that I haven't got a mum. Many people might think I'm crazy or exaggerate, but I just do what's the best for me. I push her away and maybe I can live without hate....someday...