Happy days die...but some survive

Dear Mum,

I know, you'll never read this text. But I just have to say what's on my mind. Our realationship isn't the best. I can't see you, I can't talk to you without thinking about what you've done. I feel lost since 5 years. And thats all your fault. 24.12.2005. The beginning of this desaster. Oh, you couln't chose a better day for your bad news. I can remember how happy I was on this christmas. Our whole family was together, everybody was happy. And you looked satisfied, too. You played the role of the happy houswife. But you just played. I can remember, in the same night, you told us, that you'll leave. I was too young to understand what that means. But I understood your game in time. At first you took me with you, when you moved away. And than you tried to change my mind about my father. You just saw the man you hate and not the father of your children. You said bad and terrible things about him. But you forgot. He's my father. I know him very well. So I didn't believe what you told me. And you incited the other family members, and persons who doesn't belong to our fight (like the neighbour), to do the same nasty things. And so, I didn't want to have you in my near anymore. I sufferd, because of your damn attitude and you didn't help me, no, you just perpetuated your fucking battle. I moved back to my father. And this desicion was the beginning of the real battle. You addressd reproaches to me. That I left you, when you needed me the most. That I left you alone. You said, that I woulnd't care about you. But did you ever noticed, you never cared about my problems, too? Where were you, when I felt bad, when I cried at night, when I screamd for help, when my life was fallen apart? You are the one to answer for this bad time. And now, you come and say that I should care about you? Give me a reason, only one reason why I should care. You weren't there when I was scared. You need to listen, I'm losing my grip. You haven't got the right to address reproaches to me. Don't play these games with my mind. You better stop it, 'cause you're wasting your time. I felt bad when you were in my near and so I broke off contact with you. Now, you are hurt and angry. I don't know if you love me.
But it's not just you who make me suffer. It's all the shit. The shit which happens because of you. You are the only one to blame.
I just wanna run away. Never say goodbye. I wanna forget everything. You lied to me. You lied to us. Again and again. All I needed was the truth. But you aren't courageous enough. But why sould you tell me the truth, when it's easier to lie? I wanna know the truth instead of always wondering why.
So, I just want you to know: You can't address reproaches to me, because you are the one who is answer for this. You are the one to blame. And not me or my dad. Only you. You lied, you faked, you incited the others to do the same damn things. You aren't the person I know. Where is my mum? And if this old known mum won't come back, I won't come back, too. I don't know if I ever will forgive you. Think about it. But remember. You are the only one to blame...

I love you, Mum. The Mum I knew in my childhood....